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“Not because I’m crying right now means I’m weak, and not because I never cried, I’m strong”, Sometimes people tend to hide their emotions and put on a mask to preserve their dignity… Nobody’s perfect so don’t judge too easily… Growing up, I have a very low self esteem, and to hide it I focused on other’s person life so they won’t notice mine. Like, how shabbily a certain schoolmate dresses and how poor they are, how boring looking or how stupid he/she is on class. I always relied on what I see and what they do until they had overcome it because of my criticism, and me? Still the same as I am before. An insecure little girl with a little confidence and hence, even lower self-esteem. Then I reflected on my own… when did I become like these? Then I realized that because I live in different places and they see me as an independent, strong-minded person. I had built a protective barrier around me so that nobody could hurt me because deep inside I never am a strong person to begin with. In the past I always envy the children of the people that let me stayed in their house. Because while they are in private school with a ride and a money, I’m In public school, walking because of little or no money at all, they are eating the main dish in a favorite restaurant, mine was their left over, they are on bed sleeping peacefully, while I’m on the floor with a blanket crying myself to sleep.. Oh how I pitied myself back then and at the same time how I hated my own family for abandoning me when I was so little in a very big world…
And that’s where I realize my mistake. I focused on the wrong side of the road and forgot the bright side of it. Starting right there I decided to count my blessings and why because of the people who had help me I’m still alive and thankfully at the right path. That time I regained self respect. And Yes. Every now and then I think of those memories and it still make me sad but at least I stop blaming someone and accepted on who I am now. And my facade is breaking little by little showing the true me honestly, confidently.

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Posted on October 15th, 2013 by bonita

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