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Cause and effect

My mother did not and do not love her children the same. When I was very small I felt that it was my fault – I just wasn’t good enough. When I grew older, I started to experience the different treatment we siblings received, as very unfair. I grew bitter and resentful. This treatment caused sibling rivalry and polluted family relations. I felt alone and excluded for most of my life.
One day I realized that I was my own prisoner. It was my feelings that kept me in bondage. I forgave my mother. It was not easy and it took a lot of time. I had many setbacks, when her thoughtless and at times, vindictive remarks, pulled me back into the vulnerable feelings of my childhood.
I know and I have accepted that she truly did the best she could at that time. I do not want to judge her no more, for I am not perfect and I too have a lot to learn.
I am glad that I forgave her. She now has cancer. She is dying. I feel love and empathy for her, and at times deep sadness. I wish I could lighten her burden. I know that I will soon experience the loss of a mother I so wished could just love me for who I am. But I do love her for who she is.

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Posted on January 13th, 2013 by ErnaV

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