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There really are certain things I don’t want to write on paper for the fear of having it read by people I don’t want to learn something about my life that should be kept a secret. Well anyway, should everything be left in the open?

I value privacy very much. I don’t care not having to talk to other people, if that means exposing something about my life that I want to be kept. Not that I am bipolar, or I have a double personality; it’s just that, there really are certain things I want and I think and feel in life, that cannot be understood, and do not need explanations. Even with an explanation, even in exhaustive efforts to produce one, will not be sufficient to define the reasons.

I have not had a boyfriend, but I’m at this stage where I’m asking myself how it feels like to have one. Not that I need to have one; it’s just that, I want to feel how to have one. I smile every time I see a couple, I try to widen my network, and most especially, I try my best in things I know I can do best in. To impress? Well, sort of.

I have a crush right now. Or let’s say, it’s more of an infatuation; hell no, that’s too elementary. Limerent. I have an object of limerence right now (I cannot really remember the term, but I know this is it), and he is the most unexpected person that I would like.

He has tattoos on his back, he smokes a lot, drinks a lot, but he loves sports.

He is not from the Big Three schools, he writes sloppily, and he speaks rather elementary.

He curses, doesn’t have a permanent job, and he is a playboy.

He had one-night stands I suppose, I don’t feel like I can stand his drinking-smoking-conventional friends, but he is close to his family.

He loves his parents and siblings so much, as well as his nephews and nieces.

He owns a speedboat which I am halfway through being against for because of its disturbance to sea life, but he loves nature trips.

He graduated late, but he knows a lot about life.

It seems he can live on his own.

This kind of person is someone that, on the surface, I wouldn’t want to meet, and hell, wouldn’t want to be with, lest to talk with. But isn’t it strange that he is now the object of my affection, and I hope, is now two-way?

I don’t get it why I liked him. I’ve met him years before the moment a new member entered our family. I do not even remember my first impressions of him, but all I know is that I try to avoid him as much as I can because he looks scary: he smokes and drinks a lot, looks like a “bad boy” though he is quite handsome, and doesn’t talk much. That should scare girls a lot.

But lately, I, we, realized, we have a lot of things in common. We both love sports, nature, and family. We both hate conventions and pretensions. We both talk loosely, cursing, but hate to talk badly about others based on physicalities. We love life in such a way that we do not talk about it in terms of money; we talk about it in terms of love, family, nature and freedom.

We cannot talk as freely as we want to because of communication being culturally and socially forbidden. Anything that would deem us as closer now might as well be regarded as sanctioned and tabooed. The both of us does not want that for of course, it would be better to blindly talk and communicate with each other than to not be able to communicate at all.

There are many holes in what we might as well call “blind liking.” There are many signs we both give each other which might be misinterpreted in more ways we can imagine. He might see my looking at him as a sign of affection, while I just accidentally sighted something at his back; I might misinterpret his looking at me as a sign of liking, but that might just be his damn way of looking at all kinds of people.

Many questions that are better left unanswered for now. I do not want to ask further, and I think I do not want to know the answers. Someday, it is not far from probable that he will finally find the one, but for sure that wouldn’t be me. I am sure he might not have liked me at all, but however hard that is to swallow, I know I will never have the chance to verify that. But if circumstances tell us that I should face the truth, I think I do not want to hear that he did not like me at all.

On the same thread, I cannot wait to talk to him and ask him some hinting questions I’ve been waiting to ask. Darn that I wouldn’t have the guts to tell him, but I might as well start the conversation. It’s just too weird why I liked him a lot when I barely talk to him and all communication we do is bodily talk. Pathetic I know, but I would love to have the chance to make everything plain and simple and clear. I want him to know me as much as I want to know him.

I want him to know me as much as I want to know him. But the thing is, I have been thinking about him too much that I got fixated on only him, and it seemed everything I am doing in life is all about and for him. I just got stagnant, and never moved on. Dinner with friends? Never mind, he might call. Taking a job out of the city? Never mind, we might be together. My world revolved around him. And for months, this went on, until, I found myself alone in my room, and as I prayed (for us to be together, again!) and looked at the walls, I saw pictures of my loving family and friends. That just did it.

I realized there is far more to life than him; that he is not the only guy in this world! And why should I spend so much time thinking about him, when he never returns the gesture? When he never even cares?

The very next day, I applied for my Masters, invited my best friends for a lunch out, and went to work more enthusiastic than ever. I cooked for my family, and I kept in touch with my family and friends abroad. Life is so full of adventures! How lucky am I to be alive.

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Posted on September 25th, 2014 by stargazer


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