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What I Learned From Loving An Abusive Lover…

Everybody told me that I should leave him and yet somehow, I just couldn’t. I was in love with him and I know deep inside, he does feel the same way too. But somehow despite all my love and care for him, I feel sad for him and angry at him as well. The monster of a man might return soon and I know when he comes at me again, my hollow facade of happiness will fade and regret will loom over me…

We have been childhood sweethearts in a small town where practically, everybody knows each other. All my life, I have wanted to be his and wanted to share everything with him. He seem to feel the same way about me and when I realized that he did, I was ecstatic. We eloped at the tender age of 18. I ignored what other people said and was proud of myself for standing up for what I really wanted in my life. Unfortunately, I now realize that I should have listened. If only, I didn’t ignore the warning signs.

Moving in with each other, without a job, no studying, no regard for the future and with just a little money that we had, we felt empowered to do anything. Freedom was within our grasp and we both knew well that we were adults now. We were entitled to make decisions for ourselves – whether wrong or not. We opted to rent a small, cheap room near the city. We were drop-outs and thought that we might try to get a job to sustain ourselves eventually. I became a waitress at a nearby diner while he did temp jobs. I really thought that all would be well eventually. I was optimistic.

A few months passed and I thought it would be smooth sailing but unfortunately, it was then that I realized the changes in him. I knew that he smoked and drank in the past but I never really expected him to make them his habits. There came a time when I would be back from work and I would see him drinking and smoking a lot in the living room. I was tired and badly needed to sleep. He would be all over me, caressing me, kissing me, embracing me and coaxing me to sleep with him. Unfortunately, I was in no mood to be there for him especially not when he is drunk. The smell of smoke and alcohol makes me feel nauseous. I tell him that I need to sleep for a while and then after that, I can probably accommodate his needs. Sadly, he thinks that I am refusing him and gets angry because of it.

It was only then did the other side of him arise. His eyes were locked on me. He was seething and he gnashed his teeth at me. He shouted at me and then suddenly, he had his belt in his hand and was hitting me. I was weak and exhausted from work. My reflexes were slow. I cried as the leather hit my skin raw. It left me red and bruised. I did not understand what was happening. Who was this monster before me? He kept on shouting at me and when I was already on the floor weeping and trying my best to crawl away from him, he drags me to him. He holds on to me and forcibly removes my clothes. He pins me as he mounts me, taking his release as tears fell down my cheeks. He passed out on the floor after that. That moment has changed me. It has broken me but I was determined.

A year has passed and we are still together. The regular bruises have become a common place. I am still bothered by everything. All the pain, all the tears, all the madness – everything wasn’t going well for me. I knew I had to do something but I didn’t have the strength to leave him. I was in the city but knew no one. I was a drop-out who only had a little savings. I was alone and lonely. I had no future. All because I decided to follow my heart instead of my head. I weigh on the what ifs and the what nots. I felt a sharp stab of pain in my chest as I realize that I wasn’t alone. I still had my parents that I could go back to despite everything that I have done. A plan formed into my head as I start to do a mental run down of everything – the pros, cons and most of all, the actual escape plan.

The night before made me decide that I should leave him especially after giving me a black eye which only made it difficult for me to work at the diner unnoticed. Most of the customers eyed with suspicion. Some shook their heads while others gave me an emphatic smile. I didn’t like being pitied by anyone especially not like this. I realized then that it was time to go. That night as he left the house to go drinking with his friends, I hastily grabbed two bags and stuffed everything that I would be needing for my trip back home. I realized that even if I have only been living with him for a year, I already have so many things that I have shared with him. Too bad I won’t be able to bring them all. Counting the little money I had with me, I went to the bus stop and waited patiently for the bus to take me home. After a few minutes, I was on my way to my hometown, anxious, emotional and frightened at the same time. I didn’t want to be judged but I guess it is inevitable now.

As the bus stopped, I looked outside and saw my surroundings. They were familiar to me and I have missed it. Carrying my bags with me, I went down the bus to look for home. I arrived at my doorstep ten minutes later, wondering how I should do this. I knocked, there was no answer. I did it again but still nothing. As I turned my back on the door and was about to leave, someone opened the door. I turned around and saw the face of an angel. It was the smiling face of my mother. I couldn’t help but cry as I ran to her embrace. I have never felt safer. As she ushered me inside the house to meet my father once again and to be in our home, I realized what I have neglected. If only, I would have listened earlier then I never would have experienced the things that I have had this day. Despite everything that had happened, my parents welcomed me back with open arms. I learned then that a parents’ love for their child is unconditional and definitely reaches through anything. All seem to have been forgotten and I thank God that I have gotten out of that abusive relationship. I never saw him again and even if he tried to get back to me in some way, I did my best to avoid him. I was ready to start a new life without him in it.

Recalling what had happened to me in the past to reflect on it has made me feel how stronger and I am proud of it. I am glad that I have gotten through everything that has happened to me and that I am a better individual now. My wrong decisions might have harmed me but at the same time, taught me that no matter what happens, my parents will always be there for me and that despite all the bad decisions that I have made, I can always pick myself up and try harder next time. Failure is a way of finding success. I know that now. I only wish I had known sooner but then again, what would my life be now if I didn’t learn from my previous mistakes? I bet it is perfect but then again boring. We should always take each day in our own way as it passes us by.

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Posted on November 12th, 2015 by kittypaws


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